Letters to my Pants

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FROM A LONG TIME AGO…

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Dear Fattest Pants,

I do appreciate what you did for me during and after my pregnancies. But then you came back for no good reason and stayed much too long. You’ve worn out your welcome, and quite frankly I just can’t have you around anymore. You are hereby banished from this house. We just don’t fit together anymore. The point is, I don’t need you and your presence makes it too easy to slide down that slippery slope. Don’t worry, I know you’ll find someone new at the women’s shelter.

Take care,

~J~

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Dear Fattish Pants,

Don’t get too comfortable. If I have anything to say about it (and I do), you won’t be around long. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I’m not quite ready to settle down. I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

~J~

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Dear Skinny Pants,

I know we’ve always had a tumultuous relationship. I never appreciated you for who you were. I always compared you to all my friends’ Skinny Pants, and you were never quite good enough. If I knew then what I know now, things could have been different. I’m truly sorry that I never believed in what we had.

It’s with a heavy heart that I must now say good bye to you. I know we’ve both been waiting and hoping that we would be reunited one day, but I have to be honest with you and myself. You know I have a family and a career now, and I just don’t have the time or energy it would take in order to keep you in my life. I know it’s disappointing, but this is how it has to be.

Fondly,

~J~

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Dear Medium Pants,

Please bear with me a little longer. I expect to have you back in my life by winter and we can then have a long, happy and healthy life together.

See you soon,

~J~

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UPDATES

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Dear Fattest Pants,

It would be polite for me to say that I miss you, but I really don’t.  We were never good for each other. I hope you are making someone very happy, but I’m glad it’s not me.

Regards,

~J~

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Dear Fattish Pants,

I should have let you go when I had the chance.  You do know that you are now my Fattest Pants, right?  And I’m sorry, but like the group before, you’re going to have to go.

I will actually miss you, black-flowy-pants-that-I-bought-for-the-Broadway-show-that-we-never-attended-thanks-to-the-stagehand-strike.  Everybody likes you. I guess if you do want to stay, it would only take a few alterations for you to join Medium Pants…

Let me know,

~J~

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Skinny Pants:

Just stay away from me AND my daughter.  If I ever find out that you’re making her feel bad because she has thighs and a rump, I will shred you and burn you.

Don’t make me go there.

~J~

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Dear Medium Pants,

We were so close!  It was really great this past summer.  I’m sorry I blew it in the fall and went back to Fattish Pants.  I don’t want to make excuses.  (And, yes, I know that running is a better stress reliever than Caramel Vodka and hot chocolate.)

If you can forgive me, I will do my best to repair our relationship.  And I promise that once we’re together again, I will eliminate Fattish Pants from my life and never see them again.  Just you and me, from here on out (in a couple months probably).

Love,

~J~

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About perfectday

There is always something bumping around in my head, and if I leave it up there, I will go crazy. So I try to get my thoughts out onto paper (or the current equivalent). Mostly this blog is just for me to keep my sanity, but I also hope there's a nugget or two in there that other people find worth reading.
This entry was posted in Feeling Good, Health, Random and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Letters to my Pants

  1. You have verbalized what I only wish I could say to all my pants.

  2. Trixie says:

    You’re right! Everyone does (did?) like those pants on you! Alter them to join the Mediums!

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