Start. Fail. Shame. Rinse and Repeat.

A while ago I wrote about how I would be Running from Depression.  More than one person told me that I inspired them to start/restart/increase their own running.  And for a split-second I feel really good about that – if I can inspire just one person to improve their health, that’s awesome!  But then, the guilt enters, along with its best friends, shame, disappointment, and anger.  Because I haven’t been doing it, at least not consistently.

I start to do it.  I have great plans to run and work out and eat right.  And I know that’s the best way to beat depression.  But instead, I’ve been eating it.  And drinking it (not in a full on alcoholic way (yes, I know denial is the first stage) but if I had to fill out a health history form today I’d have to say I was averaging a couple drinks a couple times a week which is way more than any other time in my life after my early 20s).

I try really hard not get down on myself, because I know that’s a slippery slope and I’m already dangling precariously on the edge of that steep, steep slope.  But I am angry at myself for not sticking to my plans.  I’m disappointed that I’m not where I know I could be at this point.  I’m ashamed that I’ve let things get this far out of control again.  And I feel incredibly guilty that I’ve let people down, especially myself.

I’m in a couple of health challenge groups on facebook and I feel like a broken record in those groups. Yeah, yeah, I want to start!  I want to be healthy!  I want to eat right and exercise and feel good about myself.  Then a few days (hours?) go by and already my tune changes.  I’ll go running tomorrow, I’m too tired now.  Just this one lunch at the buffet – all my friends are going.  Let’s just order pizza, I don’t want to cook tonight.  Then along comes shame with its best friends, guilt, disappointment, and anger.  Maybe if I just don’t check in, I won’t have to admit that I’ve already failed.  Before even starting.

I feel like I’m struggling to swim against the current in a raging river.  But I remind myself that as long as I don’t give up completely and just float down the rapids, there’s still hope. And luckily, I know the people in my groups and so many of my friends will keep throwing me lifelines.  And I’ll keep grabbing on to them until one of them works and I can pull myself back to shore.

So I haven’t given up yet.  I started again just tonight.  And I may fail again.  And I will hate it.  And then I’ll start again.  Rinse and repeat.

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About perfectday

There is always something bumping around in my head, and if I leave it up there, I will go crazy. So I try to get my thoughts out onto paper (or the current equivalent). Mostly this blog is just for me to keep my sanity, but I also hope there's a nugget or two in there that other people find worth reading.
This entry was posted in Health, Important, Running and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Start. Fail. Shame. Rinse and Repeat.

  1. yanniesaurus says:

    Hey there Kitten! I have nominated your blog for the Leibster Award! If you are interested, Check out my post for the details! Keep up the great work!

    http://spinkykitten.com/2013/05/22/yet-another-nomination-leibster-award/

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