I couldn’t do it. The first day it was a conscious decision. It was getting late in the day. I knew I could rush and post something – another half-concocted thought. But I weighed the options. I thought, If I miss today, it’s over. The rules are one post a day. Miss a day and NaBloPoMo is over. I felt a pang – of regret? sadness? guilt? – but bigger than that was the feeling of utter relief. As if a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders.
So I silenced the voice that whispered, Quitter. Failure. Disappointment. And embraced the voice that said, Writing is supposed to be fun, a relief, an outlet – not a stressor. And I let the hours of the day tick away without opening my blog. And that was the end of my NaBloPoMo run for this year.
Maybe I’ll do it again, if I have time to prepare some good post ideas prior to the start of the month. Because, quite frankly, I don’t have enough original ideas to come up with a new fantastic post every single day. And as entertaining as my children can be, people can only swallow so many anecdotes. In my head I started to fall into the easiest writing – the emotional rant. If something gets you going, the words generally spill out. But most of those take a quick downward spiral into negativity. It’s just so easy to complain and rail against whatever is wrong in this world (it’s really the only thing keeping the internet alive, if you want to know). But for anybody who knows me or has read any of my posts about depression, you know I can’t spend much time there. If I were to rant day after day, on whatever topic happened to be annoying me at that moment, I would surely descend into (more) madness. Just ask any of my coworkers – they see it in action!
But I did like the challenge of trying to come up with something each day. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and probably forced me into saying things I wouldn’t normally say: stories that would have been forgotten, thoughts that would have faded away, impulses that would have come and gone without mention (did I really put the marathon thing out there? I hope no one holds me to that, just in case I come to my senses in the next 18 months). And I got a lot of new readers (whose blogs I still need to go and check out), so that’s cool. Maybe a couple of times a week would be a better balance for me – force me to keep forging ahead, but allow me to find some balance in my regular life between work, family, hockey, kids’ school, reading other blogs and then writing my own. Balance is good, right? It will definitely lead me to my Perfect Day for J.
(P.S. I haven’t bothered to proofread this one even once, so I apologize for any typos or weirdness. Cheers!)